Well, What I Really Want to Do...

by Dave Araki, Grip

Originally printed in FilmCrew Magazine, issue #2 1994. Reprinted with permission.

 CREW POSITION

 WHAT THEY DO

 WHAT THEY REALLY DO

 WHAT THEY WANT TO DO

 PRODUCER

 Organize the whole show.

 Sign checks & fire people .

 Direct.

 DIRECTOR

The BIG One.

The HOLY One.

The Visionary.

 Stomp their feet and yell at actors.

 Collect residuals.

 ASST. DIRECTOR

 Assist the Director with scheduling and organize the shoot.

 Stomp their feet and yell at the crew.

 Direct.

 2nd ASST. DIRECTOR

 Assist the assistant Director.

 Baby-sit actors and annoy the crew.

 Be the 1st Asst. Director.

 2nd 2nd ASST. DIRECTOR

 Assist the assist. assist.

 Lock up.

 Be a parking PA

 DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY

 Supremo of Lighting & Photography

 Ignore Gaffer & glare at the Dolly Grip

 Give an interview to American Cinematographer

 CAMERA OPERATOR

 Operate the camera under auspice of the DP.

Eat Donuts & glare at the Dolly Grip. 

 Be a real DP.

 ASST. CAMERA

 Pull focus, load & care for the camera.

 Try to get the crew's respect by inflating self-importance.

 Shoot.

 2nd ASST. CAMERA

 Load Mags.

 Hang out in the bag.

 Pull focus.

 STEADICAM

 Operate the Steadicam.

 Drop names & glare at the Dolly Grip.

 Be a real DP.

 SCRIPT SUPERVISOR

 Note script/shot/scene information for editing.

 Sit where the fill light is going to be.

 Write screenplays & Direct.

 ART DIRECTOR

 In charge of making the set look like the Director's vision.

 Mope around wishing for a bigger budget.

 Direct.

 PROP MASTER

 In charge of the props and artsy gags on the set.

 Drink coffee, eat cheese, & apply double-stick tape.

 Be an Art Director.

 CARPENTER

 Build sets & do woodwork.

 Make sawdust & take .coffee breaks.

 Star in own home improvement show.

 SCENIC ARTIST

 Paint sets & backdrops.

 Borrow grip ladders & gossip with Set Dressers.

 Be an art star in Soho.

 GAFFER

 Head Electrician

 Schmooze with the DP & make lots of phone calls.

 Sit on the dolly & shoot.

 BEST BOY

 Gaffer's right-hand man.

 Cut gels & check tie-in.

 Be the Gaffer & make phone calls.

 3rd ELECTRIC

 Set lights. Run cable.

 Replace blown fuses & curse coffee machines & hair dryers.

 Play with C-Stands.

 GENIE OPERATOR

 Monitor frequency & voltage of generator.

 Eat donuts & yakyakyak.

 Write screenplays.

 KEY GRIP

 In charge of set safety, rigging & cutting light.

 Make phone calls.

 Be home sleeping.

 BEST BOY GRIP

 The Key's right-hand man.

 Check out craft service for Key's favorite food.

 Be home sleeping.

 DOLLY GRIP

 Perform dolly moves.

 Try to stay awake.

 Be in the field rigging with the other grips.

 3rd GRIP

 Staging & supplying equipment on the set.

 Hump sandbags, make beaverboards.

 Be the King Grip & take more naps

 SOUND MIXER

 In charge of recording sound.

 Hang out where the key light is going to be.

 Tell the whole world to shut the @#&$ up!

 BOOM OPERATOR

 Place mic via boom pole in optimal position.

 Knock over grip stands and make shadows.

 Finish reading the Times

 MAKE UP ARTIST

 Make Talent Beautiful.

 Gossip with Wardrobe.

 Madonna's nails

 HAIR STYLIST

 Make hair big & beautiful.

 Gossip with Make Up

 Madonna's hair

 STYLIST

 In charge of Talent's wardrobe.

 Look at fashion mags & gossip with Make Up

 Madonna's clothes

 PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

 A little bit of everything for everyone.

 Ask what a cube tap is, and buy unripe fruit.

 Direct & write.

 INTERN / TRAINEE

 A student learning the biz.

Stand around & look confused. 

 Be a PA

       
Filmcrew

THE TRADE PUBLICATION FOR PEOPLE IN THE FILM COMMUNITY

FilmCrew magazine was a great little trade magazine for those of us who work in the business.
Published for less than a year in the 1990's, it gave many of us an opportunity to show our parents what we do for a living.


Here's a little addition from Sound Mixer, Bruce Litecky:

 VIDEO ASSIST

 Record video tap for review by Director.

 Sit around & eat jelly donuts.

Sit around &  eat cream donuts.

And here's one inspired by Key Grip, Quint Klinger:

 CLIENT

 Initiate the project to fulfill the marketing needs of their organization.

Arrive late.

Leave early.

Eat all the best donuts.

 Ride the crane.

Wheee !

Got an addition of your own? Email Winston Sound